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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28246641">It's Like the Tide Going Out, It Goes Out Slowly but It Can't Be Stopped</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilikestrongwordsthatmeansomething/pseuds/ilikestrongwordsthatmeansomething'>ilikestrongwordsthatmeansomething</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Eventual Romance, F/M, Harry Potter - Freeform, Hogwarts First Year, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Platonic Relationships, Slow Burn, jilly - Freeform, wolfstar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 18:21:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,060</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28246641</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilikestrongwordsthatmeansomething/pseuds/ilikestrongwordsthatmeansomething</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>From First year to Seventh, James, Sirius, Remus and Peter's time in Hogwarts</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, wolfstar - Relationship</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. First Year: Do You See Me?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>First Year: Part One<br/>
Do You See Me?</p><p>Sirius<br/>
~</p><p>          Clouds of smoke engulfed Sirius as he stepped onto the platform, the feeling of relief yet fear causing his frail 12 year old body to shake. The satisfaction and relief of finally getting away from his family yet fear of the unknown. If Sirius did wind up Slytherin, what was the point of his prepubescent rebellion. If he was really just the same as the rest of his family, he had in all regards, failed. Regardless of his doubts he turned to his parents taking his trunk from his father's cold grip and turning to his mother to say goodbye. This would be his first time in years away from his parents, which would probably be the best part of his new life at Hogwarts. Finally getting away from his parents meant leaving his bullies behind and hopefully he wouldn’t find another at his new school, but, with the reputation of the Black’s, Sirius found it unlikely he would find many challengers at Hogwarts.<br/>
          Sirius’s mother leaned down to his ear and whispered to him “Don’t make a fool of us all Sirius, behave. Remember, I’ll see you in 4 months.” As Walburga stood straight again, she looked down at Sirius with a harsh smile, one he was all too familiar with. He smiled back at her, using all of his acting abilities to make it look as genuine as possible. Sirius turned to Regulus, and smiled a true genuine smile at him. Regulus would be the one thing he would miss about his home. Though Regulus was evidently more Black than him, Sirius loved his brother more than the rest of his family combined.<br/>
          This time Sirius leant down to speak to Regulus, “Only two more years until you can go with me” Sirius noticed Regulus’s grim expression and continued “I promise I’ll write, I promise Reg. Every Week, or every day if you want!” Regulus continued to stare at the ground, Sirius knew that even for Regulus, 10 months with just their parents would be difficult. “Remember, I’ll see you in four months, Reg”. Sirius gave stone faced Regulus one last look as he heard the whistles blow signaling the train was soon to leave. But as he turned to walk away he heard the small voice of Regulus “Promise you’ll still like me when you get back?” Sirius’s head whipped around to stare at Regulus, without thinking Sirius said “Regulus I don’t like anyone, but I’ll always like you” with a finally acknowledging look to his family, Sirius stepped off the platform and onto the train.</p><p>~ ~</p><p>          Sirius’s heavy trunk dragged behind him as he squeezed through the tight walkway of the train. He had always been familiar with magic, growing up with a pureblood family but this train felt different. Magic felt like something to run from for young Sirius, everyone he hated used it. But as Sirius looked around the train he saw what must have been hundreds of elated people, writhing in their seats in excitement for the year ahead. Sirius hoped next year when he returned to Hogwarts, he would be just as excited as all of them. Sirius staggered into the closest compartment with someone his age in it, not caring to drag around his heavy trunk any longer.<br/>
The boy who sat in the compartment had disheveled hair, he wondered if the boy was so poor he couldn’t afford a brush. Sirius’s mother had told him that there may be poor children at Hogwarts, and that Sirius should work to avoid them, this lesson made Sirius even more excited to hopefully befriend the unkept boy. Sirius stuck out his hand to the boy, noticing how far down the boy's circular glasses rested on his nose, “The name’s Sirius Black, and yours?” The boy looked confident until Sirius said his last name, “Black?” said the boy “Like the house of Black?” he continued, his face looked awestruck yet humored. Sirius began to panic, not wanting his family name to affect his reputation going into this new part of his life. Sirius absentmindedly found himself attempting to cover up the Black family crest engraved into the side of his chest. Sirius looked down at the floor to avoid eye contact with the boy that evidently didn’t want him there. “Sorry that was rude of me, the names James, James potter” James said while outstretching his hand for the proper handshake he had once denied. Sirius shook his hand hesitantly yet firmly like he had always been taught too. “A firm grip! My dad says that means you're a real man” said James. “So did mine” says Sirius quietly while still staring at the ground but taking a seat opposite of James. “You seem down Sirius, do you miss your family already?” James said questioningly. Sirius head jerked up to stare at James “Oh Merlins no! I hate the lot.” Sirius said the second part quieter, knowing it wasn’t fully the truth but not caring to elaborate. James shook his head, he still looked confused but seemed to know not to press any further. Just as comfortable silence fell over the cabin the door slid open with a crash.</p><p>          Sirius’s eyes fell on a mousy haired boy, he was evidently taller than the rest of the boys in the compartment but not too tall. His face littered in tiny scars but it seemed like most of his scars were covered by his worn and pilling sweater. Next to him a shorter boy, definitely the shortest in the compartment. The shorter boy strutted into the cart proclaiming “All the others were taken, hope we aren’t intruding?” looking curiously at James and Sirius. James and Sirius both reassured the stubby boy that he was in fact not intruding and they both had just arrived. With this reassurance, The shorter boy took his seat next to Sirius. The taller boy looked around hesitantly but ultimately dragged his trunk into the compartment and put his trunk into the overhead racks. The mousy haired boy turned to Sirius “Do you want me to put your trunk up here too?” he said. Sirius frantically yelped “No!” frightening the taller boy, “Sorry! No, I can do it, you, you sit.” Sirius said, stuttering over his words. He stood up to put his trunk on the rack, attempting to cover his family crest while doing so. He felt guilty for scaring the boy, but Sirius quickly had learned that his last name would likely not aid him in finding quality friends.</p><p>          Sirius once again took a seat, scooching over towards the door to give the short boy more room to lounge. He turned to him “So what’s your name?” he said. “Oh! Yes introductions, my name's Peter, you can call me Pete if you would like! Oh and this bloke's name is Remus, It’s Remus right?” Peter looked over to the boy named Remus for an answer, Remus nodded so Peter went on, “Thanks again for letting us sit with you, we were sitting in a compartment a couple cabins up and some Slytherins came and kicked us out. God I hate Slytherins” Peter said, stumbling over his words he was talking so fast. As Sirius stared at Peter trying to decipher his rushed spew, Peter looked down and said “Sorry...mum says I rush my words when I’m nervous”. “Anyways” said James “What house are you hoping for Peter, Oh and I’m James by the way and this one's Sirius” James pointed at Sirius. Peter replied “Probably Hufflepuff, I’d like to think Ravenclaw but I’m not smart enough for that one” Peter laughed and continued “No way I’m brave enough for Gryffindor and If I wound up in Slytherin I don’t know If I would be welcome home” Peter was obviously attempting to slow his words, but his nerves made the statement come out at a snail speed. “Well I’ll be in Gryffindor” said James while relaxing in his seat. “What makes you so sure about that?” said Sirius hesitantly. “Well everyone in my family is a Gryffindor and the sorting hat doesn’t tend to take many risks. Plus, I look great in red and gold” James said while smirking. The compartment erupted in laughter.<br/>
          “What about you, Remus Is it?” James said, turning to Remus. “Well mum says I’m destined to be a Ravenclaw, dad swears Gryffindor, but I’ll be happy wherever the bloody hat puts me” Remus laughed nervously. Sirius was excited to hear the boy's voice, he had only heard that one hushed sentence earlier, he now learned that Remus had a soft voice, it reminded him of a crackling fire. Remus’s voice was warm and inviting, nothing like any voice he had heard before. Sirius stared at his hands hoping to avoid being asked any questions, but just as he had worried, Remus looked to Sirius and said “Well what about you?’ Silence rang over the compartment, as Sirius struggled to think up what to say. Sirius thought that James would butt in with something about Sirius being a Black but instead, James stayed silent. Finally to break the silence Sirius stared into Remus’s golden brown eyes and said “Well I’m just happy to be here” Remus giggled, and outstretched his hand to Sirius and said “We’ll now, we’ve got something in common”.</p><p>~ ~ ~</p><p> </p><p>          Sirius blended into the crowd of expecting first years, to all but his cousin Narcissa. Luckily, Narcissa being in her fourth year of Hogwarts had no interest in befriending or pointing out Sirius to any of her friends, which Sirius would be forever grateful for. Sirius clung to James' side, even though he had only met the boy a few hours prior he felt like he had enough confidence for the both of them. He hoped one day he could be as carefree as James seemed to be but just as he was thinking that James seemed to be unphased by any event he noticed James begin to shake as the group of first years waiting to be sorted grew smaller and smaller. He was brought back to the real world as Professor Mcgonnagall cleared her throat to stop the Ravenclaws cheering for their new recruit. The professor called out “Peter Pettigrew”, James frantically pointed at him as he walked up to the stool. Peter’s eyes locked with Sirius, Peter’s eyes were filled with sheer terror, as he sat in silence with the hat atop his head. Just a few seconds later the sorting hat roared out “Gryffindor!”, Peter's expression changed from terror to utter shock. The Gryffindor table cheered and Peter practically ran to get away from the watchful eyes of the rest of the school. Sirius lost focus again, not really caring where anyone but his new friends were sorted into. James pointed out a redheaded girl who was sorted into Gryffindor, James whispered into his ear something about how attractive she was, Sirius nodded along absent mindedly.</p><p>          Suddenly his heart stopped as Professor Mcgonnagall shouted “Sirius Black!”, beckoning him forward. Peter stared at him from the Gryffindor table in disbelief. Sirius understood that his last name may change the way that Peter perceived him but it wasn’t likely he would be seeing a lot of Peter now that he would be sorted into Slytherin. Remus locked eyes with him, there was no shock in Remus’s eyes, only comfort, and as James patted him on the back, Sirius took his first step up to the stool. Sirius knew that his train ride would likely be the last good moments of his time at Hogwarts, like James said, the hat rarely takes risks. Sirius would be sorted into Slytherin, and hopefully someday he could make peace with the person that he is. Sirius arrived at the stool, turning to sit in it. The rickety stool shook as he sat on it, though he couldn’t tell if the stool was shaking or him for a second. The professor laid the hat on his sickeningly clean and kept black hair. The hat sounded like it was humming to himself, which he imagined the whole room could hear, with the haunting silence that had fallen over the hall. But in his ear he heard the sorting hat, “A black! How interesting, I’ve sorted plenty of you, this will be the easiest one tonight” Sirius let out a desperate huff of air, he felt disappointed. After all these years of fighting to not be like his family, this one moment would cement that he was one of them and would be one of them forever. “Oh but look at this!” the hat yelped into his ear, startling Sirius. “There’s more here...” the hat paused. Sirius felt his heart stop, or so it felt, and he locked eyes with James. James seemed beyond confused, Sirius seemed to now notice that he had been sitting here longer than all of the other people that had been sorted that night. Sirius closed his eyes, took deep breaths as the hat whispered something inaudible in his head then, he bellowed “Gryffindor!”<br/>
          Sirius felt his heart skip a beat as he lurched out of the stool, the Gryffindor table screamed and yelled but their faces weren’t smiling; they were in shock. Sirius looked to James who was smiling ear to ear, and Remus smugly grinning at him. Sirius sprinted to the Gryffindor table where he took a seat next to Peter. Peter engulfed him in a hug, he smelled of butterscotch candies and clean linen. Sirius realizing he hadn’t been hugged in months, maybe years, clutched onto Peter and basked in the hug. He whispered into Sirius’s ear, “This hat is mental! Putting me in Gryffindor!” Sirius pulled away from Peter. “You’re supposed to be a Gryffindor Peter, the hat doesn’t lie, me on the other hand...” Sirius trailed off masking his weariness with a light chuckle. “Oh shut it! I knew you would end up in Gryffindor from the moment I stepped in that compartment” Peter said while laughing.<br/>
          Sirius smiled to himself and sat on the bench pondering to himself, what about him would tell Peter he would wind up in Gryffindor. But before Sirius had much time to wonder, James' name was yelled, James started his confident strut up to the stool but before he made it he tripped on his own foot. He regained his balance but the accident didn’t go over without being noticed by the rest of the school. The hall was filled with suppressed chuckles, and he swore he could see Headmaster Dumbledore with a slight grin. Now that he wasn’t in a crowd of other first years, Sirius could get a proper look at his headmaster. His mother had always said that the man had gone mental with age, but Sirius couldn’t help thinking that he looked like the kindest man he had ever seen.<br/>
          Sirius’s attention fell back upon James as he sat down on the stool, and as the hall sat in silence once again, the hat was placed on James' head. Though the time that elapsed was most definitely shorter than for Sirius’s sorting, the hat seemed to stay silent on James' head for some time. It looked almost like James had tears welling up in his eyes, panic seemed to set in, he looked to Remus who shockingly looked nervous too. Peter and Sirius turned to each other and shared a knowing look of, what if James wasn’t put into Gryffindor. Sirius thought about how the hat had surely been taking risks tonight and what If it took one on James. James' confidence made the three boys so sure that he would be put into Gryffindor, but at the end of the day confidence wasn’t what sorted him, the hat was. Just as Sirius began to lose hope for James, the hat unsurely said “Gryffindor”, he didn’t yell it, it was spoken at a barely audible tone. James exhaled audibly before the Gryffindor table turned into a musical of cheers and cries once again. James ran to sit next to Sirius and Peter. James said to Sirius “Bloody Hell that hat almost killed me right there!” Sirius, Peter and James laughed to themselves, Remus looked over longingly to the boys. Remus was one of the last two boys left to be sorted, him and a black greasy haired boy. Luckily they called Remus’s name before the other boy, Remus walked with long strides up to the stool, likely hoping for this sorting to be done with already. Remus sat on the stool and the hat was barely placed on his head when it yelled out “Gryffindor!” Remus had a look of relief but mostly joy, he turned to the three boys and smiled so wide toward them. He walked over to the table calmly where he sat across from the three boys. James proclaimed “All of us! All of us!” as Gryffindors around Remus high fived him or clapped him on the back. Sirius looked over to the Slytherin table, so happy that he was not sitting there. As his eyes panned away from the table, he briefly gained eye contact with Narcissa. Sirius looked at her smugly and she looked at him with not anger but knowing. Knowing that come Christmas holiday, Sirius would return to his home where he would either be beaten or ignored not for his actions, but the hat. Sirius broke eye contact and looked around the hall and up to the enchanted ceiling, comfortable with ignoring the future and focusing on what he had now.</p><p> </p><p>Remus<br/>
~</p><p><br/>
          As the crisp air of fall replaced the sticky air of summer, Remus settled into his life at Hogwarts. Remus would awake every morning to watch the dew dissolve off of the grass blades on the lawn, time seemed to go by slower here. Remus’s four poster sat next to Sirius’s, some nights when he couldn’t sleep Sirius would join him at the end of his bed and tell him stories of him and his brother Regulus. Sirius sounded sullen when he spoke about Regulus but Remus understood, he missed his family too. Remus wondered why Sirius never spoke of his parents but understood not to pry.<br/>
This morning Remus awoke to his body feeling like it had fallen apart and been pieced together again. He was curled up in a bawl at the top of his bed with Sirius lying across the end of his bed, he assumed Sirius must have fallen asleep there on accident the night before. Remus attempted to slither his way out of the bed without waking up any of his roommates but in an ultimately unsuccessful attempt, Remus collapsed to the floor after tripping over his History of Magic textbook. Sirius and James sprung from their beds, obviously haven been startled by the noise of Remus’s fall. “Are you alright Remus?” James asked sleepily as Sirius rushed over to Remus’s side. “Yes I’m fine James” Remus said as Sirius pulled him to his feet. “What happened?” questioned Sirius, “Just fell out of bed I guess” said Remus bashfully. Remus looked over to Peter who was still asleep and looking completely undisturbed “Well at least I didn’t wake up all of you” Remus said, James and Sirius looked over to Peter and laughed.<br/>
Remus’s joints and bones hurt more than they did when he first woke up, but with the events of the morning so far it wasn’t exactly a surprise. Remus walked to his trunk to get his robes for the day and debated how to tell Sirius and James that he wouldn’t be at school for the next few days. “Um James, Sirius” Remus said, the boys looked at Remus, “I have to um, visit with my grandmother tomorrow until Sunday, she’s really sick…” Remus didn’t sound convincing. “Oh, I'm sorry mate?” James said with confusion laced in his voice, “Did you get an owl about it? I didn’t see you get one?” said Sirius obviously not believing Remus. Remus had never been the best liar but he would just have to make do. “Um, I got it yesterday when the three of you were off in the kitchens” said Remus “Oh.” replied Sirius, though he still seemed unsure, he seemed to drop it. “Well do you need help packing?” said Sirius hopefully, Remus felt relief wash over him. “No Sirius, I’ll pack tonight...but thank you. Oh, and someone should wake Pete” as soon as the words came out of Remus’s mouth James lunged onto Peter’s bed to wake him for the day of classes.</p><p>~ ~</p><p><br/>
          Remus’s bones ached like he had walked a hundred miles as he walked to the shrieking shack that night, the bottom of his pant leg’s were drenched from the wet grass. The rain earlier in the day made the air feel clean and thin, though Remus’s body felt like it was falling apart, his surroundings made his situation slightly better. Remus was terrified for his first full moon at Hogwarts, though professor Dumbledore had been reassuring him for months now that he would get the utmost care the following morning and that no one would intrude on him, he couldn’t help imagining the worst. It felt like his thoughts that only came to him in his nightmares were now playing in his head on an endless film reel. Remus walked slower and slower towards the shack hoping that he could prolong his journey enough that the moon would decide to not come out that night. His mother used to tell him that if she had the power, she would lasso the moon for him and never let it rise again, Remus knew that she couldn’t but some days he would daydream that his mother had finally defeated the moon and made Remus whole again. Remus walked into the shack knowing what would happen in just a few minutes, but instead of dwelling on the future, he was comfortable in the present. Remus thought of his friends that he would go home soon enough, the warm bed he would wake up to in the morning and how someday maybe, the moon would go down and never come back up.</p><p>~ ~</p><p><br/>
          Remus awoke the next morning with what felt like daggers in his side, and his front, and his back, and his head, and his feet. Remus didn’t dare to move from the position he had been laid in, though he squinted his eyes slightly open to reveal Madam Pomfrey nursing his wounds, and dabbing medicine on him with small pieces of cotton. “Oh good morning Remus, You’ve only been here for about an hour or two. How are you feeling” Pomfrey said quickly as she rushed over to the other side of Remus’s bed to continue working on him. “Well to be honest, I’ve been better,” Remus said lowly, relaxing back into the bed in hope that it would make the pain lessen. Remus closed his eyes and began to list off the principal exceptions to Gamps laws of Elemental Transfiguration to himself, hoping to use this time to memorize some material for the upcoming transfiguration test. Remus heard a small creek of the door to the hospital wing and chose to keep his eyes closed. Remus imagined that if he pretended he was sleeping he could not be bothered by whoever this visitor was, so he focused on regulating his breathing to one of a sleeping man. Remus was starting to believe that the visitor was in fact not for him by the lack of anyone coming to wake him but just as he was about to feel relief a soft voice came from in front of his bed “Remus?”.<br/>
Remus' short mental debate over whether to open his eyes and admit to the visitor that he was in fact in the hospital wing and not visiting his sickly grandmother, was cut short by the visitor once again saying “Remus?” this time more knowing and humorous. This visitor evidently knew that Remus was awake, Remus gave in, knowing that his act was up. Remus’s eyes opened to find a white bearded man with long flowy purple robes, the man could be recognized as none other than Professor Dumbledore. Remus' look of surprise was not lost on Dumbeldore but the man kept smiling at Remus.<br/>
          Remus was internally grateful that the visitor wasn’t James, Sirius or Peter, he was hoping to not be an open book at least through first year. Remus knew someday the three boys would find out, but he hoped to have as much time with them as possible before they found out that he was different from the rest. Remus’s father said that true friends would stay with him through all of it, but Remus struggled to believe that anyone would want to stay with him that wasn’t legally obligated to. He always felt guilty for the life he made his parents live, his parents didn’t deserve a son like him, though his parents never seemed to mind. Remus knew that even if the unlikely scenario happened where one of the boys did still want to be his friend, Remus would never allow it. To put the people he cared about through the trials and tribulations of a half breed best friend would be selfish and not something he would ever want to put the people he loves through.<br/>
          Dumbledore surveyed Remus like he had a magic eye, he stared him up and down and took in the surroundings to fully gauge the horrors of Remus’s full moon. “Mr.Lupin, how are you feeling?” Dumbledore said to him with a look of genuine care. “Well like I told Madam Pomfrey, I think I’ve been better” Remus said, ending the sentence with a smile. Dumbledore smiled back at him then took a seat in the chair next to his bed. “Professor McGonanogall wishes fast recovery for your grandmother” Dumbledore paused to stare down Remus and for a second Remus felt intimidated, “Would you care to explain? No judgement of course” Dumbledore continued. Dumbledore’s eyes were once again warm and inviting and Remus felt confused how he was ever intimidated by the man even for a second. “Well I told James and Sirius, and Pete that I was off visiting my grandmum because she’s very ill.” Remus explained, “I’m not ready to tell anyone yet Professor!”. Dumbledore looked away from Remus and up to the ceiling, “I understand Mr.Lupin, though James, Sirius and Peter do seem like fine young men, I would also advise you to remember that trust should not be given but earned.” Dumbledore said slowly, taking pauses to find his words ``So when it is time for them to know, make sure they have earned your trust, you have not just given it blindly...You are a smart boy Remus, I won’t be kept up by this”. Remus sat there in the words, taking them in like rain drops on leaves or rays on the grass. Remus appreciated Dumbledore’s advice but also felt slightly offended that he would doubt Remus’s judgement.<br/>
          Remus and Dumbledore sat in silence for a few moments, the silence was broken by a squeak of pain from Remus as he shifted in his seat hoping to ease some of the pressure on his left leg which suffered from a deep gash. Remus eased back into his seat with his face scrunched up in pain. Dumbledore reached into his pocket and pulled out a small chocolate wrapped in a periwinkle foil, he stretched out his hand to give it to Remus and said “Eat this, It will make you feel better”. Dumbledore smiled at Remus as he rose from his seat and began walking towards the door. Remus would secretly miss the company of a visitor, hoping that the next few days of loneliness would go by as fast as the rest of his time at Hogwarts. “I won’t bother you any longer Remus, get some rest.” Dumbledore said as he turned back around to lock eyes with Remus. Dumbledore floated out of the wing, through the doors and out to the hall with no other words. Dumbledore was gone as soon as he came. Remus unwrapped the chocolate and ate it silently in his bed, laying as still as possible to lessen the pain that he was already in.</p><p>Peter<br/>
~</p><p><br/>
          Peter's face grimaced as the Firewhisky hit the back of his throat, he jerked forward and wretched like he was about to throw up on the woven carpet of the boys dormitory. “Oi! Don’t go wasting it Pete!” Yelped James, ripping the bottle from Peter’s hands. Peter looked up at the ceiling with his teary eyes, he wasn’t sad, the retching just got the best of him. The bottle was passed to Remus, he took a short swig and swallowed with barely a wince. “Remind me where you got this from again James?” said a tipsy Remus, “My dad’s cabinet! I’ve told you lot a million times, I grabbed it right before I left for the train. Mum can’t beat me until Christmas holiday at the earliest so the pros outweigh the cons” replied James. Remus hummed in response and leaned against Sirius’s trunk once again. Peter lied down on the cold wooden floor of the dormitory, the world was spinning and he was hoping to avoid any vomit related accidents. Peter focused on the muggle poster that Sirius had taped to the ceiling above his bed, he had said it “Helped his dreams” but Peter was unaware how a girl on a motorcycle could help with restlessness.<br/>
          “Ya know James, I think I might be too young for this” Peter lurched forward holding his chest trying to take deep breaths. James laughed at Peters heaving but handed him the glass of water they had brought up from the kitchen, Peter took gulps of water in between his gasps for air. “Peter what the hell is going on with you mate?” Sirius said to Peter as he continued to dance around the room to a tune that only played in his head. “I don't know! I just… what if my mum finds out! I’m only in my first term! What if she never let me come back, Sirius home schooling! I can’t have my mum as me professor!” Peter said in his all to familiar rushed tone. “Oh calm down Pete. The only people that know what we’re up to are in this room.” replied Sirius. Peter relaxed at Sirius’s words and leaned against his trunk to catch his breath.<br/>
James stood up with the bottle of whiskey and walked to their window overlooking the lawn, “I told Evans”. Remus’s head whipped around to stare at James, “Repeat that to me?” Remus asked. “It felt like a good idea at the time. I thought maybe if she knew we had it, she’d finally take up my invitation to visit our dorm”. “James Potter, are you mental?” said Remus as he took long and fast steps to the window where James stood. “I wanted to get her away from that Snape boy for one night!” said James, “Oi Remus come here, drink a little you'll forget about whatever James did” yelled out a slightly delirious Sirius. “Oh stay out of it Black” Remus yelled at Sirius. Sirius sat down next to Peter, feeling defeated. Peter’s heavy breathing had picked back up again and he felt as if his chest may cave in at any moment. Added on top of his inebriation, Peter felt as if he would either die or fly out the window and onto the lawn. Sirius put a reassuring hand on Peters back but that was all his drunken self could offer up.<br/>
          “Evans wont tell anyone Pete! Don’t worry” said James as he kneeled in front of a shaking Peter. Peter looked up to James hoping for comfort but James himself seemed unsure of himself. Peter watched as Remus continued to look out of the window beside himself in anger. “You get me drunk then drop a bomb like this on me James! We’re supposed to be friends James” Remus yelled at James, this time so loud that he was sure that if Lily had not told her roommates, they would know now. “Remus, Evans wouldn’t tell anybody! In Fact I bet she’s walking over here to join us right now!” said an all to confident James. “Yeah that’s likely” muttered Remus under his breath. “What’s that supposed to mean!” James said, finally yelling as loud as Remus. “Oh I just mean that Evans hasn’t showed interest in you all term and you still think that she’s walking up to our dormitory right now? If she’s going to any dormitory tonight it would more likely be Snape's than ours James. Face it!” “You take that back Lupin!” yelled James. “Oi! Settle down! We’re all friends here!” said Sirius, though it was hard to decipher what he was saying due to his intensely slurred speech. “No we’re not! If James was a real friend he wouldn’t have told Evans! Look what you did to Pete, James!” James looked to Peter once again to find him lying on his back on the floor with his hands crossed over his chest, taking deep breaths while Sirius attempted to calm him down by singing him a muggle tune. “Ya know James, some of us have more to lose than mummy’s temper…” Remus said while walking away to his bed. “Remus! Come back!” yelled Sirius, though he reached for Remus, Sirius showed no signs of being able to get himself up from the floor.                 “Fine! I’ll be sleeping in the common room then!” yelled James as he walked out of the dormitory door.<br/>
Peter watched Remus as he began to get into bed, he was clearly angry as he drew his four poster closed so no one could see him seethe. Sirius kept singing Peter the muggle tune, though it was in no way pretty, it was comforting. Drunken Peter dozed in and out of consciousness. Every time Peter would wake up again he thought Sirius was his mother singing to him when he was sick. Suddenly like a wave had washed over him, Peter missed home. The comfort of his bed, not sleeping in a room with three other boys, his mother's cooking, his father's scent of aftershave and mint. Peter looked up the ceiling of the dormitory and felt disappointed in himself, he felt so happy to have friends that seemed to like him but ever since he got to Hogwarts he hadn’t been completely himself. Sirius’s breath smelt so strongly of liquor that he winced away. “Will you help me get up, Sirius?” Asked Peter, “Yeah um I'll try” said Sirius. Sirius stood, though it was not graceful it was something. Sirius pulled Peter to his feet and helped him to his bed and Peter got in to finally sleep and hopefully stop worrying for the night. Sirius walked over to Remus’s bed and opened one of the curtains, Peter could faintly hear Remus tell Sirius to go away but Sirius sat down on Remus’s bed anyway. The rest of the conversation was lost on Peter, as sleep washed him out to sea.</p>
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<a name="section0002"><h2>2. First Year: Homecoming</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>With The Daily Prophet's front page often showcasing an up incoming dark wizard, how long can the Marauders avoid coming to terms with the atrocities taking place outside of their sanctuary.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Slightly shorter chapter but pretty quick update, and a preface, there is no homoerotic subtext between James Potter and Sirius Black in this work, regardless of how some of the chapter may make it seem (You obviously have free will and you can read into it in a gay way if you would like, but I imagine James as tragically straight). I'm also considering a time jump, not next chapter but the chapter after that, to focus on the summer between first and second year, specifically Remus and Sirius's relationship. This is definitely a slow burn fic, as I wouldn't feel comfortable making Remus and Sirius a couple until they were of age to be emotionally mature enough, but I want to put some work into forming the wolfstar friendship.  If literally anyone has any opinion on that (Or on what plot points surrounding Pete I should include) I would love to hear it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Peter</p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>          “Peter will you be coming home for the holidays? Your father and I would love to see you and by the lack of mail we have received from you we are assuming you are either miserable or having much too much fun to find time to write back. Either way you must be keeping up on your studies, OWLS are only four years away and all of the rest of your time at Hogwarts is based off of this year. Please write back Peter, we are starting to get worried. Love, Mummy”</p><p>          Peter laid the letter down on the long wooden table of the great hall and looked up to the grand windows shining the slightest bit of morning light into the room. Winter was coming and lots had changed, the sun rose later and fell earlier, Remus seemed to always be ill, James seemed more occupied with his female classmates by the day and Sirius was, well he was Sirius. Peter hadn’t been “avoiding” his parents but he surely hadn’t been engaging with them. James and Remus seemed to rarely write back to their parents or get letters at all, and Sirius made a point of burning each of his letters in the common room fire before even opening them. Though Sirius did often write to his brother and wait patiently in the great hall each Sunday waiting for letters from him, letters from his brother never seemed to come.</p><p>          Peter wondered if he was too old to write to his parents as it seemed that James and Remus seemed to be. But Remus goes home to family once a month so maybe he didn’t have to write to them anymore and James says that he loves his parents but Peter never had seen him writing. So Peter stopped writing back after the first month, he felt bad but he would just have to make up for it on holiday. Christmas and all that came with it felt so soon, it was mid December and everyday that passed Hogwarts smelt more like pine sprigs and nutmeg. The nightly feasts got more festive daily, the house elves seemed to double the nightly pies during the holiday season and Peter definitely was not complaining. “Oh Good Morning Pete!” Yelled Sirius in Pete’s ear, Pete jolted around to see Sirius in an all to happy mood. “I have glorious plans for the day!” Sirius bellowed while scanning the table for the other members of their clan, “Where’s James and Lupin?” “Not sure, Remus was still asleep when I left and James was gone before I woke up” Peter replied. Sirius sat down across from Peter and started shoveling copious amounts of some breakfast porridge into his mouth. Even though Sirius was eating, Peter could still see the slight frown on his face. Peter often felt like he wasn’t Sirius’s favorite member of the group, though Sirius would never admit it and Peter would never ask, he knew. Sirius and Pete spent the odd morning together when Remus isn’t feeling well and James is off pining after some second year, but most of those mornings consist of a silent Pete and a “hungry” Sirius. “If you don’t slow down Sirius you’re going to be sick” came a sleepy voice from a few feet away.</p><p>          Peter and Sirius’s eyes shot up to the figure who was an evidently fatigued Remus Lupin. Remus slid next to Sirius, whose expression had already changed from grim to soft and content. “Morning Remy, why so late?” asked Sirius. “Oh just slept in, was up all night studying for potions” Remus said followed by a yawn. Peter watched as Sirius and Remus seemed to understand each other's needs without saying anything, Sirius sliding a piping hot cup of tea over to Remus and Remus handing Sirius The Daily Prophet he had brought down from his room. Pete longed for the understanding that Remus and Sirius had for each other. He had hoped when he met the three of them that with Sirius and Remus immediately seeming so close that he could partner up with James, but no, Sirius claimed him too. Peter watched on as Sirius and Remus settled into their breakfast like an old married couple, in tune.</p><p>        Suddenly there was a flash of a scrawny tan skinned boy with hair that some would call a rats nest, sliding down the great hall floors to get to Sirius. James fell onto the table with a thud, panting into a bowl of jelly. “Merlin's Sirius….Lily... Sirius help” James said between his heaving breaths. Sirius watched James intently hoping that he would elaborate. “Out with it James” muttered Remus who seemed to never be that interested in James' endless pursuit of the Evans girl. “Lily...She said...she said” said James. “For merlin's sake James Potter! What did the woman say!” Peter finally yelled at James. All eyes were on Peter, who rarely raised his voice beyond his regular decibel, though he was often talking too much, he never yelled. James looked straight at Peter and with the widest grin said “Lily...She said Hi to me”</p><p>James</p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>          Evans walks the hall of Hogwarts with her black robes sweeping the floors and her soft flowy red hair bouncing on her shoulders and James Potter stares every time he sees her he stares at her. It was like James aged 20 years in a day, the day before he left for Hogwarts he was a boy who cared most about what house he would get into and being the only first year to grace the quidditch field. But the moment he saw Lily Evans, he knew he was no longer a boy, he was a man who had fallen helplessly romantically in love with a girl. Some would say 11 is too young to decide your life plans but they would all be wrong, and James would prove them wrong. Because James decided that he would marry this girl, and have children, and grow old with her, and at some point in there he would become a pro quidditch player but he would leave plenty of time in his day to stare at her. Everyday forever he was going to stare at Lily Evans, and someday he was going to kiss her but for now he was going to stare at her. So James sat on the bench outside of transfiguration counting down the seconds until Lily Evans would walk in front of him on her way to her next class. This act being a meticulously timed out event in James day, but one as necessary as breathing. James chose to not mention his routine of running around the castle to see Lily, to anyone. As most people would likely say he’s suffering from a crush but James knew the truth. This was it. This is what it feels like to love someone. James often wished he could write home to his parents declaring the new emotions James had learned during his time at school but ultimately he decided that his parents would likely tell him to focus on school and leave the falling in love for after he graduates.</p><p>        A puffy eyed Sirius Black slides next to James on his bench, “James Potter oh how nice to see you! My dear friend that I seem to never see anymore due to his mad obsession with this ginger bird-” James cut off Sirius with a swift punch to his shoulder, though James could easily pull out his wand on Sirius, Sirius seemed to flinch when anyone pulls their wand on him so James chooses to stick to physical altercations. “I’m not obsessed with her Sirius, bugger off. I just think that she would be a good addition to our group” “A girl, a girl in our group James? Are you mental? Did you hit your head in the night and somehow get even madder?” barked Sirius “We don’t need a girl in our group James, we have Peter”. James was never “annoyed” with Sirius, but when he was it often had to do with Sirius’s disdain for girls. James just wished that Sirius would mature as much as he had, and learn to like girls already. They're 11 for merlin's sake, it wouldn't hurt Sirius to start having some opinions on girls that aren’t “They don’t belong in our group”. It’s not fair, James thought, All I want is for a girl to notice me but she never seems to and all Sirius seems to want is for girls to leave him be and they all want him. The world is cruel, especially to James Potter. “Lily would fit perfectly into our group and her sex is irrelevant. If only she would realize that she doesn’t need to keep hanging out with that grease ball. She could hang out with us!” said James. “Who is “Us”! Remus and I will not be hanging out with the Evan’s girl and I think neither will Pete, we may be best friends James but I draw the line at hanging out with her” snapped back Sirius. These are the moments that drive James wild. Sirius is his best friend but he draws the line at hanging out with a girl, he will never understand Sirius. “It’s not like she wants to hang out with me anyway, so you really have nothing to worry about” James said with his eyes downcast.</p><p>          Sirius looked over to James and felt a pang of guilt, it was to him that James liked Evans but Sirius was dismissive and continually made it about himself. Sirius put his hand onto James and said “Hey, I may not want to hang out with her, but she’s mental if she doesn’t want to hang out with you James”. “You think so, Sirius?” “I know so. I may not fully get how you feel, but I know how it is to feel like you’re on a separate planet than the person you want to feel close to.” James looked up to the window in front of him that looked out into the courtyard, the snow slowly falling down onto the already damp grass and the wind picking up a stray leaf or parchment sheet. The breeze that flows through the corridors hit him and chills rolled down his back. Sirius’s hand slipped off of James' hand as they heard footsteps in the distance.</p><p>~~</p><p>          Hogwarts, though homey, still felt empty sometimes. James longs for his parents but barely writes, misses his mother’s cooking but loads up on foods made by house elves, and counts down the days until the holiday but still dreads the idea of leaving his friends. Hogwarts has confused James more than ever, everyday he feels farther away from the boy that walked onto the platform and some days he can’t even seem to find the boy he left at 9 ¾. In 7 years, who will he be? Thoughts like those are the ones James pushes away until he’s staring down at a tear stained letter from his mum</p><p>“James sweetie, write back this instant. This can’t wait until you come home for the holidays. James, We love you. Love, Mum”</p><p>          James picked up a quill and silently wrote back to the woman who somedays is just a distant thought, with terror in his eyes and a pounding heart so loud you could hear it from the great hall. James' mind raced with a thousand thoughts but one stood out, a name he had read on the front cover of Remus’s copy of the daily prophet, a man named Voldemort.</p><p> </p><p>Remus</p><p>~</p><p>        James left early for holiday with a collection of rushed goodbyes to Sirius, Peter and Remus before the sun ever came up. Sirius claimed he saw James writing a letter in the common room the night before, but Remus highly doubted that as James never seemed to write letters to anyone. Remus sat in the comfortable silence of the empty dormitory, Sirius ran down to the great hall for a tea and Peter was hunting down Mcgonagall to interrogate her about James. Remus watched the snow fall down onto the ground, the grounds that he walked with James just yesterday, he couldn't help but to fear for the worst. It’s quite difficult to just leave Hogwarts, and Remus would know, so he knew that James had to have quite a reason. Remus skimmed through the daily prophet, stories of dark wizards lay next to tales of a witch experiencing especially good crops of Baneberry regardless of the cold climate. The stories of the dark wizard ‘Voldemort’ feels almost fake with how little people seem to mind him being around, his people occasionally show up in Diagon Alley hexing a few people then apparate out before the aurors can get there, but besides that, Remus wasn’t sure why people keep bringing him up. This Voldemort seems nothing like Grindlevald or other dark wizards, just likely someone looking to make it into the prophet. Before Remus could finish his next doubtful thought about Voldemort, the door swings open to a disheveled Sirius.</p><p>        “Scones, Muffins, Pudding, Bread, Jam and Tea of the finest variety for my Remy” bellowed Sirius as he set down his spread onto Remus’s trunk. “Oh my lord, thank you Sirius” Remus said while laughing and grabbing a piece of bread. “Pete back yet?” asked Sirius, “No sign of him yet”. “I really wonder where Potter went, people don’t just up and leave Hogwarts like that. Especially two days before break.” said Sirius. “Yeah I’m not sure..” said Remus, he looked back out the window pondering the goodbyes that James gave them that morning again. “Maybe this will sound crazy, so don't laugh at me, but do you think it has anything to do with that wizard Voldemort?” asked Remus. Sirius looked at Remus with a blank expression but in his eyes Remus could see something, something like fear. “No No, I don’t think so. I mean what would this Voldemort guy want with 11 year old pure blood James Potter for Merlin’s sake” Sirius said with mock confidence. Sirius looked out the window and watched the snow fall, himself pondering where James had gone and when he would see him again.</p><p>James</p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>        James walked the length of the field surrounding his house, surveying the land and watching the few remaining animals that stayed around for the cold British winters. He had walked this path time and time before, but this felt like more than a walk through his field, this was homecoming. The pack that laid on his back and the bundle of books in his hand dragged each step down but he kept walking towards his beautiful home in the distance, in it resided his parents, his bedroom, his life. Every step he took towards the house the dread filled his chest more, why did his parents need him home, what would his parents say about the lack of letters, what was wrong. When he arrived via floo network into his closest neighbor elderly Vira Macvotch’s fireplace, she had said nothing but a dismissive welcome home, when James attempted to probe her for information she shoved James out the door. James suddenly felt like every thought he had pondered about his life with Lily Evans was irrelevant, nothing important compared to whatever horrors lied beyond the field. James could see his front steps in vivid detail, the grand house with beautiful trees in the front yard coated in snow. He dropped his books and began a sprint towards his front steps but with every lunge he felt like it was harder to move, harder to face what was beyond the door, harder to realize that the sanctuary he had entered that day at the platform was behind him now. He was back home now, life could touch him. James never knew hardship, never felt poverty, never faced horrors and looked death in the eyes. But now, he felt something around the corner.</p><p>          The slow motion of it all, the moment he opened the door and saw it all, his eyes focused on one object at a time. The Tales of Beedle the Bard, a hardbound copy lay at his feet, in front of it a second year spell book from his father’s time at Hogwarts, on top of that his mother’s favorite book of recipes. A book shelf lays on the floor surrounded by broken picture frames, he sees his first birthday, his parent’s wedding, and the newest one, James on his first day of Hogwarts. James looks up to see a sofa overturned and plates crushed into the rug, a hole burned into a pillow and blood. Blood on the floor, and the wall. James sees the room fly away but can't feel his feet move as he bounds through the house in search of his parents.</p><p>        “James?” shouts out his mother from the second sitting room as she lays eyes on her boy. “Oh James” she says as she engulfs him in a hug. James feels his erratic breath and his wet eyes, his hot cheeks and the weight of his pack on his back. He feels the exhaustion of being up all night, he feels the longing for his mother come to a climax though she’s right there. It all comes crashing down around him. “Mom?” James looks to his mother, “Mom, what happened?” James says quietly into her chest. “They came looking for Auntie Martha. They came for her James”. Aunty Martha was James' godmother, though his mother had no sisters, Martha was about as close as it could get. They had been on holiday together, spent Christmas, Easter and Birthdays together. Martha loved James like her own son and James loved her like a mother. Some days when James was avoiding writing to his parents he wondered if he could just get away with writing to Martha instead. James felt wet drops fall onto his head, his mothers’ tears. He looked up to his mother “Where is she?” “She left a week back, she wouldn’t tell us where she was going but she said she was too afraid being muggle born and working at the ministry” said mum “We’re not sure where she is or if she's well but neither do these dark wizards” continued mum. James felt his breathing steady knowing that for now, that she was alive. “And Dad?” “He went to the ministry to speak to the aurors, he should be back soon. Sorry to bring you home so soon James, your father and I just couldn’t have you away for any longer” James mother said between her tears. “I’m so happy you’re home James, I’m so happy you’re home” she said while holding James tighter. James took a deep breath smelling the familiar scent of his childhood home, now laced with the smell of iron, blood, and grime.</p><p>“Mum, I missed you”</p>
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